Does Your Teen Shut Down?...Help Them Open Up Again💕

I am in the midst of raising my fourth teenager and some days I feel like I am rocking it and other days I feel like I am completely lost! Have you ever asked your teen, “How was your day?” and got nothing but a shrug or a “fine.”? Well you’re definitely not alone. Many parents describe feeling shut out just when they want to be most supportive. It can feel confusing, frustrating, and even a little heartbreaking to watch your child pull away when all you want is to help. Especially when you feel they need it most. 

But here’s a little something that may help those days when you are totally confused and just simply feeling lost as a parent: most teens aren’t shutting you out because they don’t care. They’re doing it because they’re overwhelmed, unsure how to express what’s going on inside, or afraid of saying the wrong thing. The good news is, with the right kind of connection, you can help them open up again.

In today’s complicated and busy world there’s many reasons that can contribute to teens feeling a bit distant from their parents. Here are a few reasons that could possibly, especially in the teen years, contribute to why they can seem like they are shutting down. 

They’re flooded with emotions they can’t name yet. The teenage brain is still developing—especially the part that helps regulate emotions and think through consequences. When emotions hit hard (for example: stress, embarrassment, sadness, fear), shutting down can feel safer than risking a reaction that feels “too much.”

They fear judgment or disappointment. Teens are incredibly sensitive to how they’re perceived—especially by their parents. If they think their feelings will lead to punishment, lectures, or disapproval, they may retreat instead of reach out.

They’re craving independence. Part of adolescence is learning to separate and form an identity of their own. Sometimes that independence looks like distance, silence, or choosing to talk to peers instead of parents. It’s not rejection—it’s development.

They don’t have the words. Even the most articulate teen might not know how to describe anxiety, sadness, or pressure. Silence can be their way of saying, “I don’t know what’s wrong yet.”

How to Help Them Open Up Again💕

Start with presence, not pressure. Sometimes the best way to invite a teen to talk is simply to be there—without questions, advice, or expectations. Sit beside them during a show, offer a snack, go for a drive. For me, some of my favourite times with my kids have just been sending IG reels to each other while ironically sitting right next to each other. It’s a chance to laugh and just be together. It’s also quite a good opportunity to get a tiny peek at what they do in their phones in a nice casual way. Phone safety is a big thing nowadays! Quiet and casual connection can reopen doors that words have closed. 

Validate first, guide later. When your teen does share something that’s going wrong, try listening without jumping to fix it. I know as a parent one of the first instincts is to try to fix and make all better but sometimes that’s not what a teen needs as the first response. Sometimes they just need to vent, be heard, or just tell a trusted person something. A parent jumping in to fix things puts more emphasis on the mistake than on the fact that your teen may be just figuring out a way to make things right, and is capable of doing so on their own. Help to validate that they can do this on their own and offer your guidance a bit later on. Remember that they are learning to figure things out on their own, which is a very important skill for later on in life. It’s a process.

Stay curious, not controlling. Instead of “Why didn’t you tell me?” try “Help me understand what’s been going on.” Curiosity keeps the tone open and shows that you as a parent are a safe place to explore not a judge or interrogator. Many kids will respond openly if it’s the right question asked. Try to take a moment to think of the question you are asking before you actually ask it. Super simple, and can have great results. 

Model vulnerability. If you share moments when you’ve struggled or felt unsure, it normalizes imperfection. After all, no one is perfect! Parent or teen. Teens have enough pressure in their lives as it is, they need to feel less alone with their emotional  imperfections. Giving them an example of when you were feeling wobbly will make them feel like they are confiding in someone that’s imperfect and only human too. (It can be a funny example too, to lighten the mood.) Hopefully they will feel that you are easier to relate to and will feel less alone. Offer them a space where imperfections are okay and perfect isn’t the norm. Relax. You got this! 

Know when to bring in support. Sometimes, a teen might need an extra layer of help. A grandparent, trusted friend, or a counsellor can be just what is needed. Don’t take it personally that it’s not you to the rescue. Life is complicated and messy at times and the development during teen years is full of ups and downs. Asking someone to help out during this time doesn’t mean failure, it means that you are helping your teen towards growth and not away from it. Remember: it’s not about “fixing” your teen—it’s about giving them tools to express, regulate, and rebuild confidence in relationships. Reach out for help if you need too.  

Takeaways:

Silence doesn’t always mean distance

They’re learning independence

Presence matters more than pressure

Listen first, guide later

Lead with openness, not perfection

Support is strength, not failure

“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go. Trust in yourself and in your teen.”