Does Your Teen Shut Down?...Help Them Open Up Again💕
I am in the midst of raising my fourth teenager and some days I feel like I am rocking it and
other days I feel like I am completely lost! Have you ever asked your teen, “How was your
day?” and got nothing but a shrug or a “fine.”? Well you’re definitely not alone. Many parents
describe feeling shut out just when they want to be most supportive. It can feel confusing,
frustrating, and even a little heartbreaking to watch your child pull away when all you want is
to help. Especially when you feel they need it most.
But here’s a little something that may help those days when you are totally confused and just
simply feeling lost as a parent: most teens aren’t shutting you out because they don’t care.
They’re doing it because they’re overwhelmed, unsure how to express what’s going on
inside, or afraid of saying the wrong thing. The good news is, with the right kind of
connection, you can help them open up again.
In today’s complicated and busy world there’s many reasons that can contribute to teens
feeling a bit distant from their parents. Here are a few reasons that could possibly, especially
in the teen years, contribute to why they can seem like they are shutting down.
They’re flooded with emotions they can’t name yet.The teenage brain is still
developing—especially the part that helps regulate emotions and think
through consequences. When emotions hit hard (stress,
embarrassment, sadness, fear), shutting down can feel safer than risking
a reaction that feels “too much.”
They fear judgment or disappointment.Teens are incredibly sensitive to how
they’re perceived—especially by their parents. If they think their feelings
will lead to punishment, lectures, or disapproval, they may retreat
instead of reach out.
They’re craving independence. Part of adolescence is learning to separate
and form an identity of their own. Sometimes that independence looks
like distance, silence, or choosing to talk to peers instead of parents. It’s
not rejection—it’s development.
They don’t have the words. Even the most articulate teen might not know
how to describe anxiety, sadness, or pressure. Silence can be their way
of saying, “I don’t know what’s wrong yet.”
How to Help Them Open Up Again
Start with presence, not pressure. Sometimes the best way to invite a teen
to talk is simply to be there—without questions, advice, or expectations.
Sit beside them during a show, offer a snack, go for a drive. For me,
some of my favourite times with my kids have just been sending IG reels
to each other while sitting right next to each other. It’s a chance to laugh
and just be together. And it’s quite good to get a little peek at what they
do in their phones in a nice casual way. Phone safety is a big thing
nowadays! Quiet and casual connection can reopen doors that words
have closed.
Validate first, guide later. When your teen does share something that’s
going wrong, try listening without jumping to fix it. I know as a parent one
of the first instincts is to try to fix and make all better but sometimes
that’s not what a teen needs as the first response. Sometimes they just
need to vent, be heard, or just tell a trusted person something. A parent
jumping in to fix things puts more emphasis on the mistake than on the
fact that your teen may be just figuring out a way to make things right,
and is capable of doing so on their own. Help to validate that they can do
this on their own and offer your guidance a bit later on. Remember that
they are learning to figure things out on their own, which is a very
important skill for later on in life. It’s a process.
Stay curious, not controlling. Instead of “Why didn’t you tell me?” try “Help
me understand what’s been going on.” Curiosity keeps the tone open
and shows that you as a parent are a safe place to explore not a judge
or interrogator. Many kids will respond openly if it’s the right question
asked. Try to take a moment to think of the question you are asking
before you actually ask it. Super simple, and can have great results.
Model vulnerability. If you share moments when you’ve struggled or felt
unsure, it normalizes imperfection. After all, no one is perfect! Parent or
teen. Teens have enough pressure in their lives as it is, they need to feel
less alone with their emotional imperfections. Giving them an example
of when you were feeling wobbly will make them feel like they are
confiding in someone that’s imperfect and only human too. (It can be a
funny example too, to lighten the mood.) Hopefully they will feel that you
are easier to relate to and will feel less alone. Offer them a space where
imperfections are okay and perfect isn’t the norm. Relax. You got this!
Know when to bring in support. Sometimes, a teen might need an extra
layer of help. A grandparent, trusted friend, or a counsellor can be just
what is needed. Don’t take it personally that it’s not you to the rescue.
Life is complicated and messy at times and the development during teen
years is full of ups and downs. Asking someone to help out during this
time doesn’t mean failure, it means that you are helping your teen
towards growth and not away from it. Remember: it’s not about “fixing”
your teen—it’s about giving them tools to express, regulate, and rebuild
confidence in relationships. Reach out for help if you need too.
Takeaways:
Silence doesn’t always mean distance
They’re learning independence
Presence matters more than pressure
Listen first, guide later
Lead with openness, not perfection
Support is strength, not failure
“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go. Trust in yourself and in your teen.”
